Love Me When I'm Gone
by WhisperedMemories
Summary: There is another world, one in-between this life and the other side. Do you know where angels go when they die?


"_Memory is the only afterlife I have ever believed in. But the forgetting inside us cannot be stopped. We are programmed to betray."_

_~ Michael Ignatief, 'Scar Tissue'_

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Hell is dark.

And I don't mean that in a figurative sense. It's dimly lit. I despise it.

But I suppose I deserve it.

I have been stupid. I have betrayed those I love. I thought I could be like my Father. But I was weak and foolish and could not.

And my greatest regret is the expression on Dean's face just before I died. Almost as if he was going to forgive me, but it was a forgiveness tainted by fear. A fear I had instilled in him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into the dark. I was not in the place that Crowley had shown me. I was not waiting eternally in line. Because I wasn't actually in Hell.

Angels don't go to hell when they die. It's different for every angel I'm told. But like humans, none of us really know until we experience it.

But this aching loneliness, this horrible affliction upon my heart, was Hell to me. It was cold, and despite still having my wings, I was naked and I could feel the freezing wind blowing about. Jimmy could not keep his promise. I wasn't able to go to heaven with his soul. I was stuck in whatever limbo this was.

"_I was here! Where were you?"_

I looked up at the shriek, false hope in my eyes. But it was just a memory, a pain-filled one. And Dean had been right. I could have gone to him, I could have saved myself all the sorrow and agony I had caused him, but I was a coward. I was so keen to keep him happy that I overlooked the fact that in trying to do so, I caused him nothing but pain.

"I was lost!" I shouted back. "I'm always lost without you," I murmured, curling up on my side and covering myself with my wings.

"_Goddammit Cass! You stupid son of a bitch!"_

This shout was louder and I sat up again, because I could hear another sound accompanying it. It couldn't be Dean. Dean didn't cry.

I got up anyway and spread my wings, flying towards the sound until I saw a faint purple light. I landed and approached it with caution. Through it I could hear the crying get louder and I peered through the portal and came upon Dean laying on his back in a seedy motel, drunk out of his mind and yelling expletives at the ceiling. Beside him Sam slept, curled into his side. How he was sleeping through his brother's racket, I would never know.

Sam's face was curled in anguish and I knew he was suffering in his dream. But I had never seen him this attached to Dean.

"Screw you!" Dean yelled at the ceiling, throwing his whiskey bottle across the room. I saw Sam's arm tighten around Dean's abdomen and suddenly understood. He wasn't asleep, maybe he was trying to, but he was trying to comfort his brother as much as he was comforting him.

I reached down and tried to touch them, tried to relieve their pain, but my hand passed right through them and I fell through the floor. I fell into a yawning pit of bright white light that burned me. I closed my eyes against the intensity and tried not to howl in pain. And then I landed in a memory that still haunts me.

"_Gabriel, I do not understand. Why are they fighting?"_

"_One day you'll understand, Castiel."_

_But Gabriel had left heaven not long after and I was left alone to deal with my brothers' fight. I was absolutely forbidden to engage in the fighting while I was still so young. But I had stayed by Raphael's side, trying heal as many wounded as I could._

"_Brother, Michael has done it!" _

_I had turned, watching the messenger with wary eyes. It had made me suffer, to watch my most beloved of mentors trying to rebel._

"_Praise be to Father," said Raphael. He had turned to me and given me a hug._

"_The betrayer has been cast down! No longer shall there be war in heaven!" he cried out, joy in his voice. But I had felt no joy in my heart._

"_But Raphael, he is still our brother," I said later, when we were alone. "Should we not forgive him, as Father would?"_

"_Lucifer made his choice."_

"_But brother-"_

"_But nothing! Don't you give me this too! Gabriel already tried, the insolent brat!"_

"_You were the one who fought with him? The others said it was one of the rebels."_

"_He left us! Just as Father did!"_

"_He's our brother!"_

"_And that does not matter!" he thundered. "He is just as much of a betrayer as Lucifer!"_

"_Raphael…"_

"_Get out of my sight! I don't want to look at you!"_

_And I had fled, too war-torn to cry, but too upset to face any of my siblings. I had curled up on a ledge somewhere, folding my slim, black wings protectively around myself. Who knows how long I had laid there. But after this, I would wipe myself of feelings and would become a mindless soldier. But the accusations still came, and they hurt._

_Betrayer!_

_Traitor!_

_Kin-slayer!_

"_Cass…"_

My eyes flew open, only to see more darkness. But I could hear whispers of voices, and among them, Dean. I picked myself up and wandered until I came to a dip in the hard ground that would shield me from the clammy air and I laid down in it, folding my wings over myself.

"_Cass, you idiot!"_

"_Dean…you've got to stop sleeping with his coat. It's worn out. I can't patch it anymore."_

Dean was sleeping with my coat? Had I been wrong in thinking that I was nothing more than a tool to him? I strained to hear more, but the Winchester's voices faded again and I was left in my little nest with my own thoughts.

"Well, this is sad."

I looked up to see Crowley. I cried out in rage, swinging my fist at him. He dissipated like mist, his cruel smile fading away in a second. My chest heaved with my enraged breath, and I let out another furious cry.

"DAMN YOU CROWLEY!"

I beat my fists upon the ground, hysterical. I had been so stupid! To trust the devil? Hadn't I already learned that lesson so many eons ago?

"Damn you and damn purgatory! You self-centered, greedy little monster!" I howled. But I questioned who I was really talking about: him, or myself?

"Oh no, it's definitely you."

And it was Dean's voice, and Dean's body, but his eyes were black. I scrambled back. He advanced, hate on his face.

"You did this to me!"

"I-I-"

"Did you really think you could die and escape what you've done?"

I clutched at his head, shaking it. "You're not real! Dean is alive, he's not a demon. You're not real! You don't exist!"

"Oh, but I do," hissed Demon Dean, sidling over and kneeling in front of me, grabbing my chin. He ran a hand through my hair before fisting it and yanking my head back. "And did you really think I would love you back? Who would love a disgusting little power whore like you?"

"Shut up."

Demon Dean hissed and clambered on top of me, pressing me down to the ground. He kept a tight grip on my face, making me turn towards him. I could see myself reflected back in his eyes, and I could taste his breath as he smiled.

"Oh, do you like this? Do you wish I had done this to you when you were alive? Too bad I never loved you. No one did."

He cackled and got up, shoving me away. "You're pathetic. Not worth the effort."

And he was gone in a flash, and I wrapped my wings around myself, clutching my chest. It hurt, it hurt so badly. I knew that image hadn't been the real Dean. But his words had burned like fire in my ears.

And I fell into a state of darkness.

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"Open your eyes, Castiel."

I didn't want to. Who knows what was waiting for me this time.

"Castiel, it's me."

I opened my eyes to see Gabriel. Not Trickster Smart-Ass Gabriel. The archangel who had helped raise me when I was small. Yes, he had been a pain in the ass, and a wise-cracker, but he had always been gentle with us. He hated it when Lucifer and Michael fought. His brilliant iridescent wings were folded against his back and all six of them fluttered softly when I sat up.

"There he is. Man of the hour. Mister I-think-I'm-God."

"You do not have to remind me why I'm here, brother."

"Glad to see that you haven't forgotten me. I was worried you wouldn't recognize me, being dead an all. By the way, thanks for sending Balthazar over. Been a while since anyone that fun died."

I hung my head, resting my elbows on my knees. "I screwed up Gabriel."

"Very nice use of human slang. Glad to see you learned something hanging out with Rocky and Bullwinkle. And yes, Cassy, you screwed up big time."

"Tell me, Gabriel, what is this place?"

"I'm just a figment of your uncreative little psyche. You tell me."

"I'm not dead."

"No, you're not. But you're not alive either."

I shook my head. "But what does that mean?"

"Don't know. Tell me."

"Why are you even here? You are of no help to me."

"Because you're lonely. And because, I know you best, after Lucifer of course. And we all know how much everyone else likes him."

I snorted. "I think they hate me more."

"Probably. But hey, you've still got the Winchesters, right?"

I thought back to my earlier vision. I shook my head again.

"I do not believe that they will ever trust me again."

Gabriel reached out and placed his hand upon my shoulder. It felt soft, like a breeze blowing by, and I turned to meet his gaze.

"They're tough, those boys. And I think Dean's more than a little attached to you. It's cute, really."

"Shut up."

"You always were an indignant little brat. That's why you were my favorite."

"Really? I would have thought Anna was your favorite."

"Why, because she was my student? And what a wet blanket she turned out to be! No, no, no, you were much more fun to hang around with. Especially since it made Lucifer jealous."

I raised an eyebrow. Lucifer jealous, not improbable. Lucifer jealous over me as a fledgling, more like impossible.

"C'mon, the guy had attachment problems, obviously. It's because he was so damn pretty. He was vain, and liked all attention focused on him. Sounds like you. But the boys are already grieving over your trench coat. What more do you need?"

"How do I get back?"

"I don't know. I don't exist, remember?"

And then he was gone and I was left alone in the In-between again. I wandered about for a long time, gliding on the seemingly endless currents flowing through this place. It fell good to fly for leisure again. And then, I hit a pocket of dead air and fell. And fell.

And fell.

I hurtled down until I landed in a pool of water. I hit like a comet would, and rocketed towards the bottom, where I landed in a pile of soft mud. I looked around, trying to figure out where I was, and then I realized that it was a familiar place.

It was the reservoir, where my vessel lay beneath the water. It was where I had 'died'. I paddled towards the surface, flapping my wings to help me along, but I couldn't seem to reach the sunlight that shone weakly through the murky water.

And then a hand appeared in the water above me. A very familiar hand that reached toward me invitingly.

_Cass._

I followed the whisper, reaching up for the hand. I came so close.

"Dean!" I cried, "DEAN!" but all that came out were bubbles. I flapped my wings, but to no avail. I couldn't reach his hand. And then it grew dark again.

A great hole opened up in the bottom of the river, sucking the water in. I tried to swim away, but I really shouldn't have expected my luck to be any better dead. I was pulled in and dumped into a place of blinding white light. This other plane was really starting to irritate me with its extreme environments. A forest, with soft green grass and really tall trees would be nice…

I expected to see yet another figure from my past to appear here, but no, it was like before. I could observe the Winchesters. It was obviously night time, and they were in yet another suspiciously dirty hotel room. But it was Sam who caught my attention.

He was thrashing about, obviously in the grips of a nightmare, but so was Dean. My charge was much quieter in his suffering, with only the occasional soft cry. But to my everlasting wonderment, he woke when Sam cried out for him, and tirelessly got up to sit in bed with his little brother. And without waking him, he cradled the larger man to him and brushed his hair back with more tenderness than a mother would have.

"It's okay Sammy, I'm here," said Dean. And to my amazement, Sam quieted, curling into his brother's abdomen. Dean simply lay back, keeping an arm curled around Sam. He closed his eyes and drifted back to his nightmare. The image started to grow fuzzy, but just before it faded, I heard Dean whisper something that made my wings stiffen in shock.

"Cass…please don't."

And at his cry, Sam shifted and put his arm around his brother's waist. Dean stilled immediately.

Then they were gone and I was left in the blindingly white space. A tiny feeling stirred in my chest, and I wasn't quite sure what it was.

Dean still remembered him. I hadn't been forgotten. Perhaps it was hope, fluttering in my chest.

Perhaps I would find a way after all.

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THE END. :D

Cass is coming back! YAY!


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